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• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
• They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
• A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid
• Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
• When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
• Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
• Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
• Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

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